The Truth Blows

Women no longer allowed to have periods.

2010-02-17T13:53:00.000-08:00

Feminists all around the world were in uproar last night after the UN declared the menstrual cycle to be a 'crime against humanity'. In a statement released this morning, UN General Secretary Ban Ki-moon said:

'More men die at the hands of women on their periods than AIDS, genocide and famine combined. I can't back that fact up with any sources but us men know it's true. The menstrual cycle is simply a war crime. And any woman found having a period WILL face justice at the Hague. Us men aren't fucking about anymore.'

Lucinda Hedgerows, the famous author behind Why Men Suck, was quick to launch a venomous attack on the new law:

'How these hair-brained morons think they can outlaw the menstrual cycle is beyond me. It's not as if us women can just turn it on and off like a light switch. Did these people even consult a doctor? Did they consult a nurse? Or even a vet? Obviously not. I really don't know what else to say. This has to be some kind of sick joke.'

While feminists have stated their opposition to the new law, other women with boyfriends have been far more supportive. Sally, from Wisconsin, was filled with delight when she heard the news:

'There's nothing worse than having a bad period. I'm really happy that I don't have to have one anymore. Sure, some people have been saying that it's scientifically impossible, but who the hell are these sciencey people anyway?'

The law will come into effect next week, after-which, any women found to be having a period will be subject to the death penalty.

Unbiased article gets upvoted on Reddit?

2010-02-17T06:06:00.000-08:00

The Internet has been rocked by claims that an unbiased news article was up-voted on Reddit last night. While some crossed their fingers in the hope that it was true, others such as Reddit user republicanssuck, were quick to label it a hoax:

"no way man that's bullshit. the only way to get upvoted on reddit is to submit something that disses on republicans or calls for the legalization of weed. or a funny pic lol. now mayb you should fuck off before i downvote your face with my fists"

A Reddit insider, who refused to be named, was also quick to rubbish these claims:

"We didn't spend years building an online community where pastey-faced nerds could unleash their teen angst and stick it to the man... just to let it all go to shit. We have protocols to stop this kind of thing from happening. For instance, I downvoted a programming article the other day because it said absolutely nothing about Glenn Beck sucking big floppy donkey dicks. Now maybe you should fuck off before I downvote your mom with my face."

Perez Hilton told to shut his face

2010-02-16T08:25:00.000-08:00

Perez Hilton, the American blogger and TV personality who runs and owns the gossip website Perezhilton.com, was today told to 'shut his face' by the Federal Communications Commission. Speaking directly to The Truth Blows News, a spokesperson for the FCC had this to say:

"We quickly came to the conclusion that nobody actually cares about what Mr Hilton has to say and that he should therefore shut his cunt and do us all a favour. I mean seriously, the pork-chop eating asshole needs to shut his big fat mouth. The only reason people visit his website is to send him death threats."

Perez was quick to launch a counter attack via his Twitter account:

"What the hell? I haven't done anything wrong!? What rules did I break? None!"

Unfortunately for Mr Hilton, it seems that nobody actually cares. His website will be taken down by authorities later on this evening.

Infinity Ward announces new tool that will help track down nuke boosters and glitchers.

2010-02-16T04:26:00.000-08:00

The gaming world was set alight today after Infinity Ward, the development team behind the popular Call of Duty gaming series, announced that patch #489 will include a new 'super awesome' in-game feature that will indefinitely put an end to the culture of cheating that has plagued their newest game since its long-awaited release. In a bid to glean some more information, we contacted Robert Bowling, the Creative Strategist over at Infinity Ward and asked him to give us the low-down on this new tool:

"Well basically, if you're playing a game and you realise that somebody is nuke boosting or glitching etc, you can click on their profile and then track their actual physical location, i.e. where they live. For example, Tom, one of our game developers, caught a 12 year old nuke boosting at the back of Skidrow. Tom tracked his location, travelled for 10 days by car and then put the little bastard in a coma. It was pretty funny, what with the mother crying and all."

When asked about the legal implications of having such a feature, Bowling replied that every lawmaker and judge he has contacted about the tool have all shown their complete support. One judge, who can't be named for legal reasons, even went so far as to say that he'll have his golf shoes sharpened and ready for the day the patch is released.

We decided to contact George Hammertoes over at the IPC (International Protection for Children) and ask him for his opinion on the matter:

"I've been working for the safety of children for twenty five years now, and what do I get back in return? A nuke up the ass! Yea, that's right - I get nuked by some little cunt who was boosting with his friends. I was two kills away from a chopper gunner and this little shit nukes my fucking balls off. I'll say this loudly and clearly; anybody that is caught boosting or glitching is fair game for a beating in my eyes. The little fucks."

Speaking to a source from inside the White House:

"This might surprise some, but President Obama is a huge Call of Duty fan. He even has the Fall camouflage on his ACR. Nothing annoys the President more than glitchers. The other night him and Gordon Brown were playing domination in Kirachi, when a guy on the opposite team called xXx-SxYbOyNoScOpeZ-xXx started glitching, costing Barack and Gordon the match. Nothing is more important to Obama than his Win-Loss ratio. The next day Obama was in such a foul mood that he decided to send more troops into Afghanistan and was literally seconds away from invading Iran. All of this online cheating really does have a negative effect on the world of international politics. For instance, it is common knowledge that Bush invaded Iraq, not because of WMDs or oil, but because Saddam and his sons would simply not stop camping."

We'll stay tuned to this story and provide you with updates about developments as they happen.